First love and the Last…..

In the month of February during my school days, I was a newcomer to the school atmosphere and the families of Damphu Lower Secondary School. Despite being new, I was confident in my abilities and had already excelled in various fields such as dancing, singing, games and sports, and academics.

As time went by, I started receiving letters from my classmates and other students. However, I paid no attention to them and focused on my studies and extracurricular activities. The year 2007 ended on a sweet note, and the new academic session began, which turned out to be the year of romance as well.

The hustle and bustle of school life consumed the year 2008 in a hurry. However, despite the busy schedule, I continued to participate in various activities and excel in academics. The year ended quickly, and I looked back at my achievements with pride and satisfaction.

The year 2009 began, and I had entered class nine at Damphu Higher Secondary School. After three months of schooling, I started receiving letters again, but I was unsure how to respond to them. One day, a boy named Ugyen asked for my notebook and returned it the next day, asking me to look in the middle of the pages. I found a love letter inside and told him I didn't understand what love meant. The next day, he wrote me another letter, saying he would quit school if I didn't accept him. He didn't come to school for four days, and when he returned, he asked me to go home with him after school, but I refused.

After school, I tried to run away, but Ugyen was waiting for me on the way home. My sister was with me, and he joined us. When we reached the bifurcation of our paths, he held my hand and asked if I loved him. He said he would leave school and become a hooligan if I didn't love him. I looked at my sister for advice, and she told me to say yes. I nodded my head, and the next day, he wrote me a letter expressing his pleasure and promising to attend school regularly. We became friends and shared our personal thoughts and feelings.

We promised each other to do our best in the upcoming mid-term exams, and after the exams, we parted ways for summer vacation. Ugyen went to his village, and I went to mine. We cried a lot while departing, but we hoped to see each other soon.

After a short mid-term break, school resumed as usual and we became close. He told me that he couldn't live without me by his side and started kissing me. Time passed quickly, and soon it was almost the end of September, which meant it was time for the annual school concert. As a scout leader, I had to sell tickets to the public.

At the beginning of the show, many friends were there, but after it ended, they all went away with their own boyfriends. I was left alone with nobody to accompany me home. Then, he appeared out of nowhere and offered to accompany me. I accepted, and we set off.

When we reached the forest, he asked me to rest for a while. We did, but then he started kissing and touching my breast. I didn't want to entertain him, so we continued our journey. But when we reached the middle of a thick jungle, he asked me to rest again and started kissing and molesting me.

He asked me for sex, but I refused. He became angry and pretended to leave. I begged him to accompany me home, but he refused. It was dark, and I didn't dare to go home alone. He held me tightly and kissed me for a long time. When he asked me for sex again, I refused, but he pinned me down on the ground. He kissed me and didn't allow me to shout. I tried to escape, but I couldn't move. I was completely exhausted, and tears rolled down my face without stopping. I was almost like a death drenched in my own blood.

That night was the saddest and most unforgettable night of my life. I try to forget it, but it clings to my mind and doesn't let me go. He didn't bring me home until 5 AM the next morning. I took a bath and remained sick at home for three days. I didn't look at his face or talk to him for a month. Later, he came with a sorry card.

As the annual exam approached, we made a commitment to do our best. Following the exams, my friend's sister invited me to accompany them to their village, where I stayed for two weeks and was warmly welcomed by their family. Their hospitality was truly enjoyable and I had a great time with them. Meanwhile, my friend went to work on a temporary job in Gomphu. Eventually, I returned home with his sister.

The academic session of 2010 was a significant turning point for us as we entered class ten. The days went by with a range of emotions such as happiness, sadness, frustration, tears, and loneliness. Finally, in December, we sat for the Bhutan Common Secondary Examination, and soon after, the school closed for winter holidays. We departed with heavy hearts, tears in our eyes, and exchanged gifts as a token of love. The next day, he accompanied me up to Khorsaney stream before heading back to his village for the winter break. Despite the distance between us, we kept in touch and called each other to alleviate the longing for each other's company, as the saying goes, "distance makes the heart grow fonder."

By the end of January, the results for class ten were announced and unfortunately, I did not qualify for higher studies. This news disappointed my parents and siblings, and they scolded me harshly. I confided in him, but he seemed to be more focused on his own life. He made the decision to join the police force and advised me to stay at home. He left for Thimphu and was selected for the job. On the 3rd of April, he returned to Damphu and asked me to meet him. We spent the entire night talking, crying, and making promises to remain faithful to each other. He even made a promise to light a butter lamp in front of God to bring me along with him. He recorded a song on my mobile phone so that I could listen to his voice in his absence. The next morning, at 7:30 AM on April 4th, we bid each other farewell. He left for Jigmeling for his police training.

 

After failing to qualify for higher studies, I stayed at home and helped my parents. I came up with a plan to open a shop, which my dad helped me with. A month later, I went to visit him and we stayed in touch over the phone. However, after a few months, he stopped calling me and even changed his sim card. I managed to get his new number from one of his sisters and confronted him about his behavior. I asked him why he was hurting me like this, and he responded with anger, telling me not to call him anymore and even suggesting that I marry someone else. This shattered all my hopes, especially after he had made promises in front of God about our future together. I stayed in a state of sadness and despair for a month, hoping that he would call me, but he never did. All my dreams and aspirations were shattered, leaving me with nothing but emptiness.……

I have learned a painful lesson: it's better not to fall in love if it only leads to a broken heart. Despite shedding countless tears, the pain remains. The bright days have faded away, and I am now enveloped by the darkness of terrifying nights. I cannot hold back the tears that fill my eyes or remove his image from my memory. His hurtful words are etched into my heart, and the memory of him has become a recurring nightmare that disturbs me often.

 

Although he went away and is no longer in my sight, I hold him close within my heart, keeping him hidden from the world. I had once told him not to shed any tears, as all I needed from him was his love and his smile. After all, we are all made of flesh and bone, and it is those we love and admire who reside within our hearts. We long to be close to our beloved ones, to lay our arms under their warm embrace. Unfortunately, he took all those hopes and dreams with him when he left.

It is too late for me to realize that the word "love" is filled with sorrows, jealousy, pain, tension, and regret. I have lost my faith in boys, seeing them as sharp knives that can cut a girl's heart into pieces. The idea of "true love" can only be found within the pages of a thick dictionary, but not in the hearts of human beings. In the end, even true love can lead us down the wrong paths.

 

From this moment on, I am determined to bring light into my life, clearing my mind of all negativity and replacing tears with happiness, hatred with love, and regret with contentment.

 

Personal story of Kamra Lhazin

                                                (Courtesy: Written by Karma Lhazin