Monday, July 2, 2012

First love and the Last…..

It was in the month of February during my school days. I was new to the School atmosphere and the families of Damphu Lower Secondary School. After few months of my schooling, many letters flew towards me but I gave no damn. I was good in dancing, singing, games and sports and in studies as well. The year 2007 ended so sweetly and the new academic session commenced, the year of romance as well. The hustle and bustle snatched the year 2008 hastily to the end.
As usual year 2009 begun and I was in class nine at Damphu Higher Secondary School. After three months of my schooling again letter started flowing. I had no idea what to do. One particular day a boy called Ugyen asked my note book and retuned me in next morning. He said me to look in the middle of the pages. When I opened found a love letter. I said sorry and don’t know the meaning of love. Next day he again wrote another letter stating if I don’t accept him, he gonna quit school and didn’t come to the school for four days. After four days he attended the school and asked me to go with him after the school but I gave no damn. As soon as school got over I tried running away but he was waiting on the way.  I was with my sister and he joined us the way home. Form BOD our way bifurcates, he used to stay at Police colony and I stayed in rented house just below the road. When we were about to depart he held my hand and asked me whether I love him or not. Otherwise he wanted to leave the school and become hooligan in the street. Then I looked at my sister to suggest me what to do. She told me to say yes so I nodded my head. Next morning he wrote me again stating that he was extremely pleased and been regular to the school since then. We became friend and shared personal thoughts and feelings. Very soon mid-term exam arrived and we promised to do best in the exam. After the examination we departed for summer vacation. He went to his village and I came to my home. We cried lots while departing.

After short mid-term break the school resumed as usual and we became so closed. He told me that he would die and cannot live without being me at his side. Thence, he started kissing me. Time passed so quickly and was almost at the end of the September month and the time for annual school concert. I was scout leader and had to sell ticket for publics. At the beginning of the show, there were lots of friends but when show got over all friends went away with their own boys friend and I was left alone none to accompany back home. From nowhere he came in and offered his companies to reach me home. So I came with him. When we reached in the forest he asked me to rest for a while so we did and came to kiss and touch my breast but I didn’t entertain him. We continued journey but when we reached in the middle of thick jungle again he asked me to take rest and he started kissing and molesting breast. Thence he asked me for sex but I denied. He got angry and pretended going away. I requested him to reach me home but he denied. It was dark I could not dared to go home alone. He held me tight and kissed for long time then asked me for sex, again I denied but he pinned me down on the ground. He kissed mouth to mouth and did not allow me to shout. I tried to escape but could not move all my energies got exhausted and just tears rolled down without stopping. I was almost like a death drenched in own blood. That night is the saddest and unforgettable night in my life, however I try to forget just it cling in mind and do not let me go. He reached me home only around at 5 AM in the morning. I took bath and remained sick for three days at home.   I didn’t look at his face and talk for a month. Later he came with a sorry card.

It was then time for annual exam we once again promised to put our best effort. After the examination his sister wanted me to go to their village so I went with them and stayed for two weeks with their family. They were all kind and generous to me. I enjoyed immensely being with them and cozy hospitality that they have rendered me. After two weeks I returned back home with his sister. He went to do temporary job at Gomphu.

The most turning point academic session 2010 commenced. We were in class ten. Days passed all mixed with happiness, sadness, frustration, tears and loneliness. In December we sat for Bhutan Common Secondary Examination and the school closed for winter holiday. We departed with pain in the heart, tears in the eyes and exchanged the love gift. Next day he reached me up to Khorsaney stream and went back to his village for winter vacation.  As said “distance makes love fonder” we used to call each other to quench the thirst of missing love.

In the last week of the January, class ten results were declared and I did not qualify for higher studies. All my parents and siblings got disheartened and scolded me badly. I discussed with him but he just bothered about his own life only. He decided to join in police and told me to stay at home. He went to Thimphu and got selected. After selection he came to Damphu on 3rd April. He asked me to come to meet him so I went up. We spent whole night talking, crying and making promises to be faithful to each other. He promised me lighting butter lamp in front of the God to come back to get me with him. He recorded a song in my mobile to listen voice in his absence. At 7:30 AM on 4th April we bid fare well to each other. So he went down to Jigmeling for training.
I stayed at home helping parents. I planned to open a shop so my dad did for me. A month later I went down to meet him and we also used to talk in cell phone. After few months he stopped calling and changed his sim card as well. I managed to get his new number from one of his sisters. I asked why he was doing such thing and hurting me. He got angry and told me not to make any more calls. He also wanted me to marry with other guys. Then I said where your true love was and promise he made in front of the God. He said many things that pierced my heart and shattered all hopes out. I stayed crying for a month with full hope he would call one day but he didn’t. He didn’t till today. All my hopes and dreams just vanished in to the thin layers of air……

I have learnt a lesson; if love breaks the heart is better not to fall in love. I have shaded thousand drops of tears but of no used. Light days just dissolved and enveloped by the dark terrifying nights. I cannot withhold tears in my eyes and remove his image from my memory and erase his words from my heart. It has become nightmare that disturbs me so often.

He went away from my sight but I keep him inside my small heart without disclosing others.  I once told him shed no tears, I need them not. All I wanted was his love and smile since our body is made of bloods and bones. We all live in the heart of whom we admired. We like to lay arms under the warm head of beloved one. But he went away carrying with all those hopes.

Now is too late to realize that the word love is full of sorrows, jealous, pains, tensions and remorseful. I now failed trust in boys as they are sharp knife that cuts girls heart into pieces. The word true love can be read only inside the thick book called dictionary but not in the heart of human being. At the end true love can also befall in the wrong pathways.

Henceforth, I want to glow my life from the darkness, clear the dirt of mind, and replace tears with happiness, hatred with love, and repentance with contentment.

{Last two lines are just for you dear}

Love You,
 Yours only
                                                (Courtesy: Written by Karma Lhazin